How to Spot a
Mormon
(*I originally wrote this back in 2012, but I think it's still mostly relevant. I will add that nowadays devout members of my church like to go by "members of the Church of Jesus Christ" rather than Mormons as we follow Jesus Christ while Mormon is the name of a prophet who collected writings that he collated into the Book of Mormon. Still important, but not who we worship.)
Mormons are in the news a lot these days. Mitt Romney is at
the forefront with his presidential campaign, for one. There’s also the Book of
Mormon musical, which people are going to see either because the Mormon lifestyle
is seen as entertaining, and even laughable or because of simple curiosity. Being a Mormon myself, I’m going to assume it’s
the latter. People I know seem more curious to know more about me and my church,
especially with these two big events that are going on in our society right
now. I noticed just the other day that the term “Mormon” was at the top of one
website’s search engine, so there is definitely a lot of curiosity.
It is interesting that so many people would turn to a Broadway
musical out of curiosity about a religion. I would hardly go to see a musical
to find out more about Catholics, Buddhists, Hindus, Atheists, or any other
religion I can think of. I think the best way to find out more about a religion
is to go to the church or worship center of that religion followed by actually
talking to someone who belongs to that faith.
You might think that Mormons are hard to come by. Some of
you may never have knowingly
encountered a Mormon. But chances are, there is a Mormon in your life somewhere
that you could talk to. People like to report us as being mysterious or
enigmatic or as I heard an NPR reporter say, “largely concentrated in the Mountain
West,” which is true. There is a higher concentration of Mormons in the
Mountain West, particularly Utah, but there are also Mormons, Mormon churches,
and Mormon temples all across the United States. You can find one in or not too
far from almost any urban area in the US. Since Mormons attend church in the
neighborhoods that we live in, you would have a pretty good chance of finding
someone that you recognize inside were you to walk inside of one. Mormon
chapels are small and strategically placed all across the metro area, so they
are close to where the members live and attend church. Most of them have a
prominent sign displaying the full name of our church “The Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter Day Saints” and usually placed directly underneath that are
the words: Visitors Welcome. So if you are truly curious about finding out more
about Mormons and you haven’t met any, you are more than welcome to come and
attend church with us. People are usually very friendly and they may mistake
you for an actual Mormon if you go, but they will usually not look at you funny
or deny you entry. That’s how to go about Method I. If you are still curious
about Mormons, and don’t like Method I, you could try Method II, which is to
meet an actual Mormon.
You may think you don’t know any Mormons and you may not. Some
of us try to blend in with the rest of Christianity, by remaining vague and
unoffensive, as Mitt Romney has been attempting to do this Presidential
Campaign season. I personally know lots of people here in Colorado, who do not
know that I’m a Mormon. So it has to go the other way too. For those of you
that are curious, here are few tips on how to spot a Mormon in your life. It
may seem complicated at first, but I’ve been a Mormon all my life, and I’ve
gotten pretty good at spotting other Mormons. Mormons have larger than average
families. For example, I am one of 8 natural children of my parents. My own family is much smaller by Mormon
standards—I only have 4 kids. Mormons also try to limit the use of swearing and
many Mormons, particularly men (and my son), can be heard using substitute
swear words, like “son of a biscuit”. If you ever hear anyone utter that
terrible expression or one similarly bad, you may have a clue.
If you start to suspect that you know a Mormon, one thing
you might do is ask that person, “What did you do over the weekend?” and
particularly “What did you do on Sunday”? Most devout Mormons would have
attended church on Sunday, all 3 hours of it, even while on vacation or
travelling. They also do not typically shop, dine out at restaurants, or in any
way contribute to causing another person to work on the Sabbath if at all
possible. Recently I read another article in The Denver Post about a reporter
bringing a supposedly “devout” Mormon to the Book of Mormon musical and it told
of her response. While I would personally not attend this musical, I was
interested to hear of the woman’s reaction until I got to the last paragraph
where it mentioned that the musical they attended was shown on a Sunday. That
took away all of the woman’s credibility, in my opinion, because a “devout”
Mormon would not be out watching that musical or any other on the Sabbath day.
Mormons also wear more clothing than the rest of America.
From a very young age we are taught modesty and so we wear knee-length shorts
and skirts as well as shirts with sleeves. We still dress up to go to church,
and if you’re my neighbor, you’ll see us out there on the driveway every Sunday
loading up our minivan with girls in dresses and guys in suits. You won’t ever
see us putting on party clothes and going out clubbing. (Our kids go to church
dances instead.)That’s also because we don’t drink alcohol or smoke anything,
and clubs really aren’t much fun without either of those. We’re also the people
at the office who don’t know how to make a good pot of coffee. I recently
started volunteering at on office here in town and I’ve totally stayed away
from the entire coffee area. I’m afraid that I’ll get asked to make it and
coffee seems really important to everyone else. I don’t want to disappoint
anyone.
Mormons also frequently vacation in Utah, because a lot of
them do have family members who live there. I personally don’t, but I often
feel that I’m in the minority among fellow church-goers on this point. Mormons
also celebrate all the major American and Christian holidays, especially
Christmas and Easter though Easter has always been more of a spiritual
remembrance than an occasion for huge celebrations and gifts.
Mormon kids usually take piano lessons. That’s mainly just
because we don’t pay anyone to preach, teach, minister, pray, play music or
watch the kids at our churches. We do all of that ourselves for free. So, if we
want to have accompaniment to our hymns when we’re older, we need to teach our
children to play the piano now. Otherwise we’ll be singing a capella, which,
believe me, would not be pretty.
Mormons can be found in many different political parties. Two
of my own (Mormon) sisters are liberal Democrats. Mitt Romney isn’t even
guaranteed to get the entire Mormon vote, but it would be interesting to see in
our swing state, what percentage of Colorado Mormons end up voting for Mitt
Romney.
To sum up, here are some indicators that a person is Mormon.
If they match three or more of the items on this list, chances are they could
be a Mormon. A person from a big family, usually with a few kids or more, doesn’t
drink coffee, alcohol, or smoke, goes to church every Sunday, says “son of a
biscuit” or something similar frequently instead of swearing, doesn’t party, is
modestly dressed, spends vacations driving to Utah to visit family, loves a
good bargain, makes their own homemade bread and meals, send their children away
on missions to other countries and states to preach about Christ, graduated
from BYU, Utah State, or University of Utah.
If there is anyone that you know, that you think fits this
description, you might want to ask them if they’re a Mormon. Chances are, they
are. Of course, these are just generalizations. There are many different types of
Mormons, just like Americans, and we can be hard to spot. I just want to
point you in the right direction.
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