and feeling like a failure. (I want to make this topic into a regular column.)
I think this is something that we women are facing day in, day out. We're all so busy with our kids, our homes, our careers, our husbands, our yard, the decorations, our pets, our parents, you name it. We want to achieve success in every aspect of our lives and we compare ourselves to our friends and think, "She's got it all together and she makes it look so easy. How does she do it?" And then we feel like a failure, envisioning a big giant, red "F" on our female report card. I do it all the time. Feeling like a failure has dominated my thinking in so many ways that I'm not even aware of it most of the time.I've realized recently that I don't accept praise very well. It's hard for me to take credit for things that may seem great about me, when I feel like a failure in so many other facets of my life. Each time I am complimented, for example, I start thinking of all the other areas where I'm undeserving of praise. Does this even make any logical sense?
Example: Someone tells me I'm kind.
I think: "I'm not really that great because...take your pick of:
(a)You should see my laundry room; it's a mess!
(b) I just ate a lot of Seth's leftover German chocolate birthday cake AFTER exercising super hard, hence the reason I feel like I have to exercise.
(c) But I'm a terrible mother-- My child has abysmal grades, even though he's really smart, and he'll never get into BYU (yes, I feel complete guilt and responsibility and failure for his disinterest in turning in assignments and for his poor organizational skills when he does have the interest.)
(d) I just thought something unkind about someone else, how can you say I'm kind?
(d) etc., etc, you get the idea
I'm working on trying to accept myself better. I'm not going to be able to do everything well all at once. I'm just one person and I'm working on things. So instead, I'm trying to focus on just a few areas where I can improve and I'm trying to evaluate myself and ask questions.
What is really important to me? What do I want to accomplish right now? What should I do to get there?
I'm pretty sure that if I write out the answer to those questions, eating German chocolate cake won't show up anywhere on the list (however, baking one might!). Helping my kids succeed and learn at school will always be a priority and a stress at the back of my mind, even though I may lack the power to control each child's daily performance. Having a clean house will make the list, yes, but I know that I've never been one to obsess about that. I try to aim for a level that's tolerable and livable. If I do anything beyond that, I'm in a bad place. If my house ever starts looking sparkly and shiny, that's how you'll know that I'm suffering from some kind of huge stress or anxiety. Having a sparkly, spic-and-span, spotless home has only been a priority for me (a) during a pregnancy and (b) after the death of our little 3 week old baby, who was born with Trisomy 18. I got into this mindset where I was like, "Well, I can't control how this pregnancy is going or the fact that Natalie died but, by golly, I can control what this kitchen looks like." I turn to cleaning as a mechanism for coping with stress on things that are bigger than me and completely out of my control. I do try to aim for a minimum level of cleanliness that I've incorporated into my daily routine along with everything I do. Get up, pray, read, eat breakfast, clean the kitchen, sweep the floor, start a load of laundry, exercise. Check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check.
Beyond that, I would prefer to spend my time doing just about anything else besides cleaning. I need a lot of pressure, like family staying in my home, to be impelled to do anything more. And I'm okay accepting that about myself. I am not the greatest housekeeper and, honestly, I don't love being the housekeeper anyway. It's not a role that feels like a profitable investment of my time. The kids can undo all of my hard work in about 10 minutes flat! But do my okay-with-mediocre-sub-par housekeeping skills mean that I'm a failure at everything else I do? Logically, I know that the answer is no. I know I'm more than the sum total of how clean my house is and how wonderful my kids are, and I know that both of those variables are outside of my control at times. It's just hard to keep that perspective and to feel successful in some areas, knowing that I am deficient in others.
I don't think I'm alone in this either. (I might just really need a good therapist!) I think it's something we women do and it all happens inside our heads. We tell ourselves that we have to be good at everything and that we're a failure if we're not succeeding in every aspect of our lives.
And least, from my experience, I think it's a female trait. I have friends who can relate to me on this, and I know that my husband is the polar opposite of me. He's like, "I did this one little thing. I am so awesome!! Look, I washed the dishes, aren't you proud? And he's not at all concerned with the food still stuck on the sink, or the mess left on the table, the counters, and the living room floor.
What I'm trying illustrate is that it's easy for me to notice and accept my shortcomings. I accept that that my home will never be featured in a Good Housekeeping magazine or in the Parade of Homes I accept that my kid's grades stink and that he might still be living in our house in 5 or 10 years, but call me nice or kind, or great at something and I struggle.
And I acknowledge that deficiency as well, but I know I need to work on accepting my strengths (without being too proud of course).
~ Barb
Here's something I thought of while thinking through all of this:
When we are grateful to God in our circumstances, we can experience gentle peace in the midst of tribulation. In grief, we can still lift up our hearts in praise. In pain, we can glory in Christ’s Atonement. In the cold of bitter sorrow, we can experience the closeness and warmth of heaven’s embrace.
We sometimes think that being grateful is what we do after our problems are solved, but how terribly shortsighted that is. How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain? --Dieter F. Uchtdorf, April 2014
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